Adventures in Deer Park: My First #WakeUp Retreat (Part 3: Conflict Resolution & Beginning Anew)

On one of the four nights during my stay at Deer Park Monastery, the monastics and a few volunteers arranged workshops and presentations for us, the retreat attendants, to participate in. There were roughly five different options, but each person could only choose one workshop or presentation because they were all going to be taking place at the same time. There were some really interesting classes available, including "How to Build and Lead a Sangha" and "Expressive Dance Pebble Meditation" which both sounded super fun, but there was definitely another one that caught my eye. It was called "Beginning Anew." Based on the title, I originally thought that it had something to do with a technique to reignite the fire inside of each person or reset your mental space to make room for more intuitive energy. As it turns out, I was pretty far off the mark, but I was certainly not disappointed!

A few of my friends had chosen to attend the same workshop with me and we were all looking forward to clearing out our mental space together. We learned pretty quickly that this workshop had very little to do with that at all. It was actually about "Beginning Anew" with each other. The woman leading the charge told us ll about the :Beginning Anew" technique, which is the name of the method that the sisters use to resolve the inevitable conflict that arises when you spend 24/7, 365 days a year with the same small group of people. This is how it goes:

* Before the actual method begins, the sisters will acknowledge tension by kindly inviting the person that they are in conflict with to meet for a meal or for tea. Sometimes they do this in person, other times they leave a note for the person that they need to speak to, but many times the person who is inviting the other to talk will do them a favor to show that their intentions are good and that they acknowledge their part in creating the tension between the two. The invitee is never rushed and is free to decline the offer, only accepting when they have gone through the difficult emotions and are ready to have a peaceful conversation. Sometimes, one of the participants will invite a third person in to listen so that everyone feels heard or will ask them to help them mediate the conversation if the participants ever stray from the method. Anyway, onto the steps!

1. Watering the Flowers: The first step in this process is for each person to shower the other in things that they appreciate or admire about them. This helps to establish a non-confrontational nature and starts the conversation on a loving note.

2. Expressing Regrets: Next, the participants are expected to tell each other what they regret about the situation. They acknowledge their part in creating conflict and are given the space to apologize for the way that they each may have handled the tension when it started.

3. Expressing Hurt: After that, the participants explain why they are hurt and what the other person did that may have caused them some emotional distress.

4. Expressing Long-Term Difficulties: Finally, the two people will explain why the actions of the other person affected them in such a negative way. It may not actually have anything to do with the other person. It might just be residual pain or emotional tendencies from past experiences that they still need to work through.

*Traditionally, this method unfolds with a candle and a flower in between the two people who are trying to resolve something.

This is a beautiful way to resolve conflict and, although I have not had a chance to put it into action yet, I am excited to use it as a catalyst to make my relationships stronger after conflict and to learn from uncomfortable situations rather than avoiding them because they hurt. I hope you give this method a try next time you experience some dissonance in one of your personal relationships. If you do, I'd love to hear how it goes! Thanks, for reading everyone!

with so much love,

Emma